Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but today I woke up with a new perspective on my eating and life habits. I suddenly thought of the unhealthy side of me as a separate person. As a little fat kid who wants to be healthy but I just won’t let her.

Some typical conversations came to mind:

Chubby Me: Please can we go out for a walk? You promised when the warm weather came we’d walk. My legs are getting yucky and flubbery.

Bad Me: Not now, here let’s sit on the couch and write. I made cookies for us.

Chubby Me: Can we have a salad? When we were on the Atkins kick and ate only veggies and meat, I felt great. My confidence came back and I had a lot of energy.

Bad Me: I’m too tired to make all that stuff. Let’s just eat Ramen noodles or a potato chip sandwich. Here’s an espresso. That will give you energy.

Chubby Me: Can we go to the gym? Last year I was starting to feel good about myself but then you said we couldn’t go anymore.

Bad Me: No. Now I’m too self-conscious to go there. We’ll just go for long walks. It’s just as good.

Chubby Me: When? We never go anywhere and I’m getting fatter. I want to be pretty again, like that girl in the picture from before.

Bad Me: Let’s just sit on the couch and write. Tomorrow we’ll go for a walk and exercise and eat healthy. Come on, let’s make brownies. It’ll stave off the insecurity and loneliness.

Chubby Me: Okay. But really tomorrow, you have to take me out. My heart is beating funny and I’m of breath. My clothes hurt my tummy.

And that’s when I look at Chubby Me and realize how much I’ve neglected and disappointed her. Why do I keep her chained up, under-exercised and overfed when clearly she doesn’t like being that way? She’s got confidence and wants to breathe fresh air and hike and listen to her iPod while she exercises. She insists that if we keep doing this, we really could hurt our bodies and reach a point where there’s no going back. She’s right.

I’m not going to launch into another promise to eat healthy and exercise but I really ought to, for her. For Chubby Me. For  Pretty Me who is hiding underneath, trapped there against her will.

Sorry Body. I promise to start treating you better.

Visit Tracy’s AMAZON PAGE  to see her fiction.

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